Let’s talk about projection. In my own simple terms, projection is when you take your personal thoughts or beliefs and varnish them onto another person. Your beliefs and expectations create what that person is like for you, whether it has any bearing on reality or not. I always thought projection only related to negative traits, but I’ve come to understand that you can project positive traits onto others, too. This can cause you to give them more benefit of the doubt and trust than they actually deserve.

As evolving humans, we want to see the best in others. This is a positive quality, right? Well, not always. There are actually harmful people out there, and if we choose to imagine that they have pure intentions, we are creating our own hell on Earth, through self-delusion. This “benefit of the doubt” projection is one way dyed-in-the-wool users gain entry to your heart and your life; you invite them in before you’ve properly vetted them, or vetted them at all.

It is critical to determine if a person is worth sharing all you have to offer: your time, your love, your body, your home, your family, your fortune, your future, your talents, your energy – all of these are precious, and not to be spent recklessly if you want to live a satisfying, secure life. Will this other person return an equal measure back to you for all you give? Or if they can’t give equally, will they legitimately try, and are they even capable of rising to the challenge? Too often, we HOPE someone is capable of returning what we give when, deep down, we don’t actually believe that they’ll be able to do so.

But we hope. As some famous person said, though, “Hope isn’t a strategy.” How much time have you wasted hoping that someone would be the person you wished they would be? Your wishing will never make it so. Only that person can decide and choose to meet you on an equal playing field, but that may not even be on their mind.

Not everyone is looking for a partnership or commitment or whatever it is you’re looking for. Some people are out there playing the field. (Nothing wrong with that – been there, done that myself; it’s just in the past for me.) Others are looking to take whatever they can get, whether that is no-strings sex or physical affection, attention and adoration, free meals, a nice place to live… whatever juicy goodness it is you’re offering, often at low- or no effort whatsoever on their part.

Stop offering until you know what’s really up. This is what dating is for – it is a vetting process during which you can discover what the other person is really like, and to see if your values and goals match up.* If you aren’t vetting the people you get involved with (“it’ll all just work out! I just need to have faith!”), you’ve probably lived to regret it more than once already.

Vetting is your protection from your own projections. We want to believe that someone is good and kind and has the best of intentions, so we choose to see that, whether it aligns with reality or not. This type of self-delusion (projection of another’s assumed goodness) and lack of vetting (unearned trust) have been significant blocks for me in both romantic and platonic relationships, and I’ve started to see that clearly in recent years. This is the perspective from which I speak.

Have you ever given someone the girlfriend/boyfriend experience without actually being the declared girlfriend/boyfriend? This is not a great strategy if you are looking for a committed partnership. Why should anyone offer more (commitment) if they are already getting everything they want without making any promises? It is an easy trap to fall into; life can be lonely and we want to take whatever love and comfort we can find when it presents itself. But if you’re always allowing unsuitable suitors** to take up your time and heart space, the most worthy potential partners will either not find you (because you’re too busy with Mr./Ms. Unsuitable) or will steer clear entirely because they see your clouded judgment (“Oof, they like THAT guy/girl/trainwreck? SMDH…”).

Think about how easy it is to identify the problems with someone else’s relationship. “She keeps picking the same kind of guy and then gets her heart broken AGAIN, when will she learn?” Yeah, it’s easy to apply these statements to others. But can you apply this line of thought to yourself? Can you see your own patterns? Then can you pivot, and choose differently? This is how we move beyond the karmic cycles we’ve been stuck in with our relationships, and find partners (and friends) who are truly suited for us in all of the important ways.

What are those ways?

*Emotional*

• Are you both emotionally literate and capable of expressing thoughts and feelings? Even (especially!) the difficult ones?
• Do you validate and honor each other’s feelings, rather than dismiss them?

*Physical*

• In the material world, is there equal give-and-take concerning money, household chores, and other worldly concerns? Do you have complementary roles that help ease the burden of life for each other, or is one person shouldering most of the load in an unequal manner?
• Is there physical chemistry to pair up with the emotional bond you have? If this is a deal breaker, and you don’t have it, are you still sticking around in a relationship where it doesn’t exist? Are you relatively compatible sexually, including sex drive? If not, are you willing to be mismatched or unfulfilled sexually for the sake of being with this particular person?

*Spiritual*

• Do you have similar spiritual paths, or at least similar interests in spirituality (though different paths)? If you are spiritual and it’s important to you, it is unlikely that a partner who doesn’t care about their spirituality will be able to grow with you over time in the way you might hope. (There’s that word again, hope. Remember, hope is not a strategy.)

*Energetic*

This one is more intangible, but it’s one of those aspects that “when you know, you know.”

• Are you and your potential partner on a similar wavelength energetically? If you are Mr. Sunshine, and she is Ms. Storm Cloud, ask yourself, how’s the weather forecast? Is it possible this person is attracted to you because of your sunny energy, and just wants to get some of that for themselves? Some say that we are attracted to the qualities in others that we wish we had in ourselves. Ask yourself whether you deserve someone who is working toward having those qualities themselves (doing the healing work), or if you’re willing to settle for someone who (either consciously or unconsciously) wants to siphon off your energy to buoy themselves up. The energy you’ve worked so hard to build and maintain, (likely through years of introspection, therapy, shadow work, and so on). How is that fair to you? It isn’t.

Remember, vetting is your protection from your own projections. When you find yourself getting starry-eyed about the next intriguing person you meet, put on the brakes in your own mind. Stop building those castles in the sky right away, and start asking questions instead. Asking the other person questions. Hard questions. Don’t avoid asking the questions that might bring answers you don’t want to hear. Guaranteed, those are the most important questions you should be asking.

Be courageous. Ask about the things that are important to you. Don’t let them avoid giving you an answer, either. If they simply can’t answer, it is probable that they don’t know themselves or their own values well enough to form a good relationship with you – one that doesn’t involve some kind of unhealthy codependency or mismatch of values.

None of this even touches on childhood trauma as it relates to adult relationships. Though if you’re at all familiar with CPTSD, you can already see the correlations. IYKYK, right?

This is the end of my thoughts on this subject for now. It’s certainly not comprehensive on the subject, and there are certainly other perspectives that are valid and may apply. Feel free to share your own thoughts or experiences in a comment below or wherever you’ve seen this article shared.

Blessings, my friends.

*[This assumes that you know what your values and goals are. If you don’t, getting clear on these should be your number one priority. Why are you dating when you don’t know what you want?! If you don’t know what you want, you can’t reliably reject unsuitable offers or situations, now can you?]

** Huh, “suitors.” I’m seeing this word fresh, and it’s meaning now asks whether someone “suits” you or not, rather than only referring to someone who is “pressing their suit” with you.